Instructions

Alternate sections are marked Say and Play. The Say sections are spoken or sung to an improvised tune in a stentorian and condescending manner, as a traffic court judge lecturing a recidivist speeder. Read as though the text makes perfect sense, even though its grammar and meaning may make sudden, unexpected turns.

The Play sections use an ordinary five-line staff with oval note heads () interspersed with diamond () and cross () note heads. Play in a manner that contrasts with the lecturer's attitude. Be mocking or solicitous or calm or resigned or anything else appropriate.

• I've used bar lines set off groups of notes. Groups should be observed by accent, phrasing, pauses or some other way.
• The cross () indicates some non-standard noise, like a multiphonic or a strum behind the bridge or a dropped drumstick or a cheese-grater arpeggio or something else. Use your imagination.
• The diamond () indicates a note that is one semitone (in either direction) different from the preceding note.
• Rhythm, tempo and dynamics are entirely up to the performer. Since no clef is specified, you can pick that as well.

You can play in concert with other performers, who may play other versions of this piece, or other any other materials, composed or improvised. When playing with others, the Say sections should be performed as disruptively as possible, and the Play sections should be played sensitively, with utmost regard to enhancing the performance of the other players.

Score

Say: Illogical.

Play:

Say: I haven't been discussing the "pago-pago variations".

Play:

Say: What, no "taunt", Pudge?

Play:

Say: You should practice what you consider the "Fantasy Variations".

Play:

Say: Note: no response.

Play:

Say: What alleged "cards"?

Play:

Say: Incorrect, though after the context has been about American composers yet, despite the newsgroup.

Play:

Say: Then apparently you had already done that.

Play:

Say: On the contrary, you asked a question.

Play:

Say: Well, you can make lemonade out of strikes.

Play:

Say: That's a single instrument, not an orchestra. A single solo would be sufficient to accomplish that goal. Giving a solo to a clarinet and then finally spring "Philip Glass" on them. Usually gets pretty good laugh, if they get that far. You'll have to listen to the latter, as the former is irrelevant here.)

Play:

Say: Ignorance is bliss.

Play:

Say: Maybe not to you, but you don't have a problem with where Doe's discussion belongs, take it up with him, not me.

Play:

Say: You prefer verbosity?

Play:

Say: Yes.

Play:

Say: Substantiation was not provided below.

Play:

Say: Just a note that typists don't need to clear fluid from their typewriter, but repetitive stress syndrome is now recognized as a problem. Just how long each variation is in your posting.

Play:

Say: Note: no response.

Play:

Say: That's because the trombone section didn't get as lovely a solo to a clarinet and then finally spring "Philip Glass" on them. Usually gets pretty good laugh, if they get that far. You'll have to gauge the number of times you've played it.

Play:

Say: On what basis do you call it "crap"? Don't trot out the irony to you, but it should be.

Play:

Say: Apparently you have some musically-inclined friends who don't mind a little knock-knock joke, try "knock knock" "who's there" about twenty times (if they'll even play along that long) and then an oboe does not compose music should not write words. I doubt that Hemingway would agree with you.

Play:

Say: Threats are irrelevant. Hypocrites don't get very far.

Play:

Say: And the piece "drivel" or "the worst thing to ever be perpetrated on the same kind of horse as Jim.

Play:

Say: John who? There are lots of "another thread"s in which to look.

Play:

Say: You could have, because I've been posting "far more relevant" responses in the case of the parenthetical remark.

Play:

Say: What is allegedly clear about someone who uses two different names?

Play:

Say: I'd hardly call your pontification "evidence".

Play:

Say: Incorrect; you've got it backwards. "He answer it himself."

Play:

Say: Have you listened to the rec.music.classical type.

Play:

Say: I just told you: to calibrate what you consider to be "classical music", but also that others might not consider it "too long".

Play: