Instructions

Alternate sections are marked Say and Play. The Say sections are spoken or sung to an improvised tune in a stentorian and condescending manner, as a traffic court judge lecturing a recidivist speeder. Read as though the text makes perfect sense, even though its grammar and meaning may make sudden, unexpected turns.

The Play sections use an ordinary five-line staff with oval note heads () interspersed with diamond () and cross () note heads. Play in a manner that contrasts with the lecturer's attitude. Be mocking or solicitous or calm or resigned or anything else appropriate.

• I've used bar lines set off groups of notes. Groups should be observed by accent, phrasing, pauses or some other way.
• The cross () indicates some non-standard noise, like a multiphonic or a strum behind the bridge or a dropped drumstick or a cheese-grater arpeggio or something else. Use your imagination.
• The diamond () indicates a note that is one semitone (in either direction) different from the preceding note.
• Rhythm, tempo and dynamics are entirely up to the performer. Since no clef is specified, you can pick that as well.

You can play in concert with other performers, who may play other versions of this piece, or other any other materials, composed or improvised. When playing with others, the Say sections should be performed as disruptively as possible, and the Play sections should be played sensitively, with utmost regard to enhancing the performance of the other players.

Score

Say: You're presupposing that there were others. Some transcribers will do a watered-down version for younger musicians.

Play:

Say: And I'd like to learn more about your opinion. But so far, all I've been posting "far more relevant" responses in the same presupposition.

Play:

Say: To judge its quality for themselves. Or do you really expect everyone to simply trust your questionable judgment?

Play:

Say: Exactly which argument of mine have I inappropriately used "irrelevant"?

Play:

Say: Why?

Play:

Say: Where did I say it was "good"?

Play:

Say: Where did the opposite of ignore me. You "baited" me, by your own admission. I'm doing exactly what you find "that many" violins to be "tough going"?

Play:

Say: On what basis do you get two violists to play that piece and make it so. Witness the following example: "No claims will obviate the fact that concert bands are extremely popular and fairly well represented in American record stores, but you still don't recognize it. Amazing.

Play:

Say: Obviously not, as indicated in his follow-up; rhetorical questions are not interested in Doe's kookiness. You seem to be, and I've mentioned a liking for a New Era" is wonderful. And for a Festival" is another unsubstantiated claim.

Play:

Say: Note: no response.

Play:

Say: Non sequitur.

Play:

Say: On what basis do you make that claim?

Play:

Say: That's your problem.

Play:

Say: What you think "chicken s**t" is an adequate substitute for lemons.

Play:

Say: Balderdash. You're forgetting that I never said he did?

Play:

Say: I've seen the PBS video. Packed London house.

Play:

Say: Yes, and when we encounter dreck, we put it another way, using an old musicians joke, how do you call it "talking down"?

Play:

Say: What for you would run away without answering the question.

Play:

Say: Showing your true colors.

Play:

Say: Incorrect, though after the context has been said to have dictated the length of the time.

Play:

Say: Unfortunately for you, you already missed your golden opportunity to NOT DO THAT!

Play:

Say: Readers take note: Carter is someone who jumped into a discussion about classical music and hurl some insults.

Play:

Say: The evidence that you are not interested in any serious discussion here.

Play:

Say: Classic pontification.

Play:

Say: Because there is no music theory in this case.

Play:

Say: That's not the one discussing music.

Play:

Say: Which I have yet to identify where it is too long for its own good does not qualify as a non-rhetorical question.

Play:

Say: You're erroneously presupposing that I performed it. The title is familiar; I must have performed it, but too many years ago.

Play:

Say: You were ambiguous there: which is not classical music.

Play:

Say: On what basis do you say "we've"?

Play: