Instructions

Alternate sections are marked Say and Play. The Say sections are spoken or sung to an improvised tune in a stentorian and condescending manner, as a traffic court judge lecturing a recidivist speeder. Read as though the text makes perfect sense, even though its grammar and meaning may make sudden, unexpected turns.

The Play sections use an ordinary five-line staff with oval note heads () interspersed with diamond () and cross () note heads. Play in a manner that contrasts with the lecturer's attitude. Be mocking or solicitous or calm or resigned or anything else appropriate.

• I've used bar lines set off groups of notes. Groups should be observed by accent, phrasing, pauses or some other way.
• The cross () indicates some non-standard noise, like a multiphonic or a strum behind the bridge or a dropped drumstick or a cheese-grater arpeggio or something else. Use your imagination.
• The diamond () indicates a note that is one semitone (in either direction) different from the preceding note.
• Rhythm, tempo and dynamics are entirely up to the performer. Since no clef is specified, you can pick that as well.

You can play in concert with other performers, who may play other versions of this piece, or other any other materials, composed or improvised. When playing with others, the Say sections should be performed as disruptively as possible, and the Play sections should be played sensitively, with utmost regard to enhancing the performance of the other players.

Score

Say: Why would I want to be perpetrated on the stage isn't what you preach.

Play:

Say: Monty Python, anyone?

Play:

Say: You're erroneously presupposing that the Barnes variations are too long.

Play:

Say: What kind of horse as Jim.

Play:

Say: Irrelevant, given that you are mistaken, and you haven't changed your antagonistic attitude.

Play:

Say: Where have I inappropriately used "irrelevant"?

Play:

Say: "If it sounds good, then it IS good."

Play:

Say: Which part of my argument is allegedly "quite meaningless"?

Play:

Say: An illogical question, given that the comparison is restricted to who plays the melody of each variation).

Play:

Say: Whose tradition? Mozart's Symphony No. 11 is less then 10 minutes long. Now let's compare to Beethoven's Ninth, which has been that the visual aspect of the word.

Play:

Say: So have I. Here's an example: In other words, I have a recording of it by the Dallas Wind Symphony with Frederick Fennell conducting.

Play:

Say: It means "to follow" in a logical fashion.

Play:

Say: What good would that do? I've told you that you would constitute evidence of my argument is allegedly sequitur, if you think "chicken s**t" is an adequate substitute for lemons.

Play:

Say: Why is that? There are many places in New England that copy names from England.

Play:

Say: That you don't see much on the wrong person. Interesting that you would constitute evidence of where I said that. I'm still waiting for that evidence.

Play:

Say: On what basis do you get two violists to play in tune? You shoot one of them as correct, thus I had already done that.

Play:

Say: I'm looking you up on USENET right now, and you turned on you?

Play:

Say: Gosh, just like Pudge. I said that a long time ago! How does that make it interesting. At least one record company calls band music as pieces written for orchestra that exclude the string section. Do you instantly go into "dislike mode" whenever an orchestra from Liverpool. Nice concert hall in Manchester.

Play:

Say: Exactly which argument of mine have I posted non sequitors [sic]?

Play:

Say: How convenient.

Play:

Say: Is that how you intend to explain your crossposting?

Play:

Say: On what basis do you claim that I never claimed that Rach's is the "Fantasy Variations"?

Play:

Say: No claim will obviate the fact that my response was in the discussion belongs in alt.usenet.kooks. If you have not given any reason for claiming that the discussion belongs in alt.usenet.kooks. If you have a big bladder.

Play:

Say: Evidence, please.

Play:

Say: So, using your reasoning, anyone who wants it.

Play:

Say: Well, that depends. If you have a recording of it during the rest room break.

Play:

Say: So, you're not in a particularly good position from which to comment, are you?

Play:

Say: Irrelevant, given that neither a troll nor a spammer is involved in the style of Bartok's "Concerto for Orchestra".

Play:

Say: And how many still perform regularly?

Play:

Say: No, he isn't. Is that how you intend to explain your crossposting?

Play: