Instructions

Alternate sections are marked Say and Play. The Say sections are spoken or sung to an improvised tune in a stentorian and condescending manner, as a traffic court judge lecturing a recidivist speeder. Read as though the text makes perfect sense, even though its grammar and meaning may make sudden, unexpected turns.

The Play sections use an ordinary five-line staff with oval note heads () interspersed with diamond () and cross () note heads. Play in a manner that contrasts with the lecturer's attitude. Be mocking or solicitous or calm or resigned or anything else appropriate.

• I've used bar lines set off groups of notes. Groups should be observed by accent, phrasing, pauses or some other way.
• The cross () indicates some non-standard noise, like a multiphonic or a strum behind the bridge or a dropped drumstick or a cheese-grater arpeggio or something else. Use your imagination.
• The diamond () indicates a note that is one semitone (in either direction) different from the preceding note.
• Rhythm, tempo and dynamics are entirely up to the performer. Since no clef is specified, you can pick that as well.

You can play in concert with other performers, who may play other versions of this piece, or other any other materials, composed or improvised. When playing with others, the Say sections should be performed as disruptively as possible, and the Play sections should be played sensitively, with utmost regard to enhancing the performance of the other players.

Score

Say: Threats are irrelevant. Hypocrites don't get very far.

Play:

Say: Then what is your point with regard to the rec.music.classical type.

Play:

Say: How about the length, yet the two pieces to which I am unfamiliar.

Play:

Say: The evidence that you would constitute evidence of my experience?

Play:

Say: The source is also incorrect. How gullible you are.

Play:

Say: Okay, Professor Plum, Bill, Jim, and you.

Play:

Say: Do you consider the "Fantasy Variations".

Play:

Say: The Bartok was used as a comparison to two known works to give readers a feeling for the main cultural event, the organizers of the flames and complain about Doe's "bait".

Play:

Say: An illogical question, given that I already have. Where have I inappropriately used "irrelevant"?

Play:

Say: Note: no response.

Play:

Say: You answered your own admission. I'm doing exactly what you wrote just before I responded with "Bingo".

Play:

Say: What "name"?

Play:

Say: But I bet you won't, otherwise you might find yourself out of a "mood play".

Play:

Say: "What do you say "we" don't mention a name?

Play:

Say: Gee, so do I.

Play:

Say: Do you instantly go into "dislike mode" whenever an orchestra plays a section of music is the worst thing to ever be perpetrated on the same melody over and over.

Play:

Say: Barnes also uses musical means to vary the theme. Or didn't you notice? Too busy puking?

Play:

Say: No claim will obviate the fact that you didn't answer my own question. It figures.

Play:

Say: Bridgewater Hall, as I already know the meaning of the recent transcriptions I've listened to is for "Scheherazade", in which to look.

Play:

Say: Actually, nobody has been said to have dictated the length of another piece that occupies one fifth of a larger number of musicians on the same melody over and over.

Play:

Say: Meanwhile, you're already out of strikes.

Play:

Say: Figures.

Play:

Say: I'm not interested in any serious discussion here.

Play:

Say: Which I have yet to substantiate my claim, hence I extracted the relevant section.

Play:

Say: Or his horse Concorde?

Play:

Say: On the contrary, it is too long for its own good. In other words, you're a certifiable net.kook.

Play:

Say: Is that how you ignored the evidence that you are not a concert band will not necessarily make it any less of a pontification.

Play:

Say: Just beware posters like Doe.

Play:

Say: So, you're not in a particularly good position from which to comment, are you?

Play:

Say: Actually, relatively few pieces have an E-flat clarinet part.

Play: