Instructions

Alternate sections are marked Say and Play. The Say sections are spoken or sung to an improvised tune in a stentorian and condescending manner, as a traffic court judge lecturing a recidivist speeder. Read as though the text makes perfect sense, even though its grammar and meaning may make sudden, unexpected turns.

The Play sections use an ordinary five-line staff with oval note heads () interspersed with diamond () and cross () note heads. Play in a manner that contrasts with the lecturer's attitude. Be mocking or solicitous or calm or resigned or anything else appropriate.

• I've used bar lines set off groups of notes. Groups should be observed by accent, phrasing, pauses or some other way.
• The cross () indicates some non-standard noise, like a multiphonic or a strum behind the bridge or a dropped drumstick or a cheese-grater arpeggio or something else. Use your imagination.
• The diamond () indicates a note that is one semitone (in either direction) different from the preceding note.
• Rhythm, tempo and dynamics are entirely up to the performer. Since no clef is specified, you can pick that as well.

You can play in concert with other performers, who may play other versions of this piece, or other any other materials, composed or improvised. When playing with others, the Say sections should be performed as disruptively as possible, and the Play sections should be played sensitively, with utmost regard to enhancing the performance of the other players.

Score

Say: There is a difference between a rhetorical question and rhetoric.

Play:

Say: On the contrary, it's quite relevant.

Play:

Say: Famous last words.

Play:

Say: I'm still waiting for you would now play the last note of the musicians might have for it.

Play:

Say: Where did I say that?

Play:

Say: On the contrary, a transcription is available for concert band.

Play:

Say: Does it matter, or are you tossing in another irrelevancy to be answered, yet he wanted an answer.

Play:

Say: That's because the trombone section didn't get as lovely a solo as the father of serious music for them that motivated him to write the First and Second Suites for Military Band around 1909. Vaughan Williams followed in his follow-up; rhetorical questions are not meant to be pointlessly argumentative?

Play:

Say: Evidence, please. Where have I allegedly not substantiated?

Play:

Say: On the contrary, it's quite relevant.

Play:

Say: I strongly suggest that people aim their fire extinguisher at the bottom of the number of musicians sitting on the same forces involved, though usually in greater numbers, the most likely difference being saxophones.

Play:

Say: What alleged "irritability"? I was discussing involving American composers, so the length of another piece that occupies one fifth of a concerto for the nature of the parenthetical remark.

Play:

Say: Meanwhile, you're already out of a job.

Play:

Say: Yet another name to add to the rec.music.classical type.

Play:

Say: You're presupposing that I'm a "24/7 jackass". Ironically, you're the one discussing music.

Play:

Say: You're erroneously presupposing that it is Pudge that is being pointlessly argumentative, because he hasn't tried to help and you turned on me..."

Play:

Say: I'm sure that some of the discussion, apparently without even being familiar with an example of one.

Play:

Say: Incorrect; it is "stupid".

Play:

Say: Non sequitur; I'm talking about "Bolero"?

Play:

Say: You said something about irritation, and I asked you for evidence of my argument is allegedly "quite meaningless"?

Play:

Say: And the piece was "drivel", but that's hardly a fact.

Play:

Say: Why do you speak for when you need him to say that a good one.

Play:

Say: Monty Python, anyone?

Play:

Say: Unfortunately for you, you already missed your golden opportunity. You flubbed it.

Play:

Say: On the contrary, a transcription is available for concert band.

Play:

Say: Just more trolling on your part.

Play:

Say: On the contrary, it's quite relevant.

Play:

Say: The key word here is "if".

Play:

Say: You could have, because I've been posting here for years. However, the probability of being noticed goes up considerably, and that happens when an antagonist like John Doe writes [to Professor Plum]:

Play:

Say: Of what, allegedly?

Play: