Instructions

Alternate sections are marked Say and Play. The Say sections are spoken or sung to an improvised tune in a stentorian and condescending manner, as a traffic court judge lecturing a recidivist speeder. Read as though the text makes perfect sense, even though its grammar and meaning may make sudden, unexpected turns.

The Play sections use an ordinary five-line staff with oval note heads () interspersed with diamond () and cross () note heads. Play in a manner that contrasts with the lecturer's attitude. Be mocking or solicitous or calm or resigned or anything else appropriate.

• I've used bar lines set off groups of notes. Groups should be observed by accent, phrasing, pauses or some other way.
• The cross () indicates some non-standard noise, like a multiphonic or a strum behind the bridge or a dropped drumstick or a cheese-grater arpeggio or something else. Use your imagination.
• The diamond () indicates a note that is one semitone (in either direction) different from the preceding note.
• Rhythm, tempo and dynamics are entirely up to the performer. Since no clef is specified, you can pick that as well.

You can play in concert with other performers, who may play other versions of this piece, or other any other materials, composed or improvised. When playing with others, the Say sections should be performed as disruptively as possible, and the Play sections should be played sensitively, with utmost regard to enhancing the performance of the other players.

Score

Say: Star Spangled? Stars and Stripes? Anchors Aweigh? Semper Fi?

Play:

Say: Yet another unsubstantiated and erroneous claim.

Play:

Say: Irrelevant, given that the visual aspect of the parenthetical remark.

Play:

Say: Who might that be?

Play:

Say: Does it matter, or are you tossing in another irrelevancy to be irritating? Indeed, my experience has been "baiting" me.

Play:

Say: Non sequitur; I'm talking about "Bolero"?

Play:

Say: I see that you are not a "decent person".

Play:

Say: Many regard Holst as the rest room break.

Play:

Say: Why? Playing more net cop?

Play:

Say: Witness the thread titled "Professor Plum Gets Snippy!"

Play:

Say: Let's hope your flurry of emails are directed at Doe's multiple ISPs.

Play:

Say: Many regard Holst as the famous Rachmaninoff piano work, with the variations jumping from section to section or soloist to solist, much in the Barnes variations are too long.

Play:

Say: But they do need to stop for breath and don't need to stop for breath and don't need to turn a page. Also note that typists don't need to clear fluid from their typewriter, but repetitive stress syndrome is now recognized as a comparison to two known works to give readers a feeling for the entire ensemble, is quite relevant to that judgment.

Play:

Say: Once again, you're mixing comparisons.

Play:

Say: I'd hardly call your pontification "evidence".

Play:

Say: Unnecessary, given that I was attending brought in an orchestra from Liverpool. Nice concert hall in Manchester.

Play:

Say: I haven't suggested that everyone here listen.

Play:

Say: Therefore I could not have "pissed" on your part.

Play:

Say: As opposed to logically.

Play:

Say: Who might that be?

Play:

Say: Illogical; we haven't performed the Warren Barker arrangement of Bolero, not a concert band will not necessarily consist of all color.

Play:

Say: What good would that do? I've told you to take this discussion is quite irrelevant. Ironically, above you called this the relevant evidence. No studying necessary; just a little editing.

Play:

Say: Irrelevant, given that you claimed above that Professor Plum's claim is another unsubstantiated claim.

Play:

Say: Who they are is different from what they do.

Play:

Say: Why?

Play:

Say: Wasn't Malcolm Arnold vice president for a piece of music where the strings aren't playing?

Play:

Say: I'm now beginning to doubt that Hemingway would agree with you.

Play:

Say: Does it matter, or are you tossing in another irrelevancy to be perpetrated on the concept of a competitive ethos, or the competitive ethos? Depends on whether the "no" is included as the father of serious music for that medium.

Play:

Say: Unfortunately for you, you already missed your golden opportunity to NOT DO THAT!

Play:

Say: After a fashion.

Play: