Instructions

Alternate sections are marked Say and Play. The Say sections are spoken or sung to an improvised tune in a stentorian and condescending manner, as a traffic court judge lecturing a recidivist speeder. Read as though the text makes perfect sense, even though its grammar and meaning may make sudden, unexpected turns.

The Play sections use an ordinary five-line staff with oval note heads () interspersed with diamond () and cross () note heads. Play in a manner that contrasts with the lecturer's attitude. Be mocking or solicitous or calm or resigned or anything else appropriate.

• I've used bar lines set off groups of notes. Groups should be observed by accent, phrasing, pauses or some other way.
• The cross () indicates some non-standard noise, like a multiphonic or a strum behind the bridge or a dropped drumstick or a cheese-grater arpeggio or something else. Use your imagination.
• The diamond () indicates a note that is one semitone (in either direction) different from the preceding note.
• Rhythm, tempo and dynamics are entirely up to the performer. Since no clef is specified, you can pick that as well.

You can play in concert with other performers, who may play other versions of this piece, or other any other materials, composed or improvised. When playing with others, the Say sections should be performed as disruptively as possible, and the Play sections should be played sensitively, with utmost regard to enhancing the performance of the other players.

Score

Say: Yet another unsubstantiated and erroneous claim.

Play:

Say: On the contrary, the length must be sufficient to justify the title.

Play:

Say: Does it matter, or are you tossing in another irrelevancy to be convinced.

Play:

Say: On the contrary, it's quite relevant.

Play:

Say: Irrelevant, given that the my discussion belongs in alt.usenet.kooks. If you have your attributions confused.

Play:

Say: Where's Pudge when you need him to say that a piece is too long for its own good. In other words, you're a certifiable net.kook.

Play:

Say: Where's Wilma?

Play:

Say: He did offer the opinion that the brass bands are a more recent development. Note that a piece of music is the "Fantasy Variations" to be pointlessly argumentative?

Play:

Say: What for you to take it up with so far is that relevant to that judgment.

Play:

Say: To find a troll as bad as you?

Play:

Say: Bingo, though they might prefer the term "symphonic band" or "symphonic winds", or "wind orchestra".

Play:

Say: Why do you say "we've"?

Play:

Say: May I recommend some of Alfred Reed's works, such as the object of the ocean?" "A good start."

Play:

Say: To judge its quality for themselves. Or do you get two violists to play in tune? You shoot one of them.

Play:

Say: I'm looking you up on USENET right now, and you turned on me... why did you answer your own admission. I'm doing exactly what you posted in response to Professor Plum, who, as I just told you: to calibrate what you consider it to death. Does that mean the powers that be do not share your dislike for it? Not at all. It simply means that we played it death and have it played by a professional band with good intonation, and tell me how it sounds different.

Play:

Say: Yet another unsubstantiated and erroneous claim.

Play:

Say: Incorrect.

Play:

Say: Showing your true colors.

Play:

Say: That's because the trombone section didn't get as lovely a solo as the Rachmaninoff "Rhapsody", and not as long as the Bartok is much longer than the "Fantasy Variations" to be answered, yet he wanted an answer.

Play:

Say: On what basis do you make that claim?

Play:

Say: Where's Wilma?

Play:

Say: How so?

Play:

Say: Yes.

Play:

Say: Classic pontification.

Play:

Say: Classic pontification.

Play:

Say: Evidence, please. Where have I allegedly not supported? You recently accused me of calling the "Fantasy Variations".

Play:

Say: I see that you are a troll? Amazing! Yes, let's show them all what you preach and play it on your acoustic piano?

Play:

Say: I can imagine. All sounds very similar to our organization here.

Play:

Say: On the contrary, it's quite relevant.

Play:

Say: Does it matter, or are you allegedly speaking for when you need him to say that a piece that is being pointlessly argumentative, because he hasn't identified where it is too long for its own good. Have you listened to is for "Scheherazade", in which the solo cellist, who was playing with her eyes closed and didn't quite play the piano. However, in this particular case, the appearance is courtesy of John Doe, who crossposted to rec.music.compose, and yet hasn't spent one sentence discussing the "pago-pago variations".

Play: