Instructions

Alternate sections are marked Say and Play. The Say sections are spoken or sung to an improvised tune in a stentorian and condescending manner, as a traffic court judge lecturing a recidivist speeder. Read as though the text makes perfect sense, even though its grammar and meaning may make sudden, unexpected turns.

The Play sections use an ordinary five-line staff with oval note heads () interspersed with diamond () and cross () note heads. Play in a manner that contrasts with the lecturer's attitude. Be mocking or solicitous or calm or resigned or anything else appropriate.

• I've used bar lines set off groups of notes. Groups should be observed by accent, phrasing, pauses or some other way.
• The cross () indicates some non-standard noise, like a multiphonic or a strum behind the bridge or a dropped drumstick or a cheese-grater arpeggio or something else. Use your imagination.
• The diamond () indicates a note that is one semitone (in either direction) different from the preceding note.
• Rhythm, tempo and dynamics are entirely up to the performer. Since no clef is specified, you can pick that as well.

You can play in concert with other performers, who may play other versions of this piece, or other any other materials, composed or improvised. When playing with others, the Say sections should be performed as disruptively as possible, and the Play sections should be played sensitively, with utmost regard to enhancing the performance of the other players.

Score

Say: Therefore I could not have "pissed" on your acoustic piano?

Play:

Say: So, what is your point with regard to the issue?

Play:

Say: Showing your true colors.

Play:

Say: On what basis do you get two violists to play in tune? You shoot one of length, and you've done nothing to support just one side of the Blast! performance in London. Yet another unsubstantiated and erroneous claim.

Play:

Say: And how is a Darmstadt groupie a simile of Monty Python?

Play:

Say: SWTHDTM?

Play:

Say: Just because one person can claim that I never said he did.

Play:

Say: You're mixing comparisons. The Bartok is much longer than the "Fantasy Variations"?

Play:

Say: So, you really want to advertise to the collection.

Play:

Say: You're presupposing that linear and circular thinking are the only two possibilities.

Play:

Say: The infection being John Doe at this point.

Play:

Say: Non sequitur.

Play:

Say: To judge its quality for themselves. Or do you make that claim? Don't trot out the "too long" excuse, given that you claimed above that Professor Plum's postings were about music, when in fact they were about crossposting and such.

Play:

Say: On the contrary, the theme is not that it's too obscure.

Play:

Say: Actually, nobody has been "baiting" me.

Play:

Say: Note: no response.

Play:

Say: On what basis do you make that claim?

Play:

Say: Note: no response.

Play:

Say: It was the one discussing music.

Play:

Say: I strongly suggest that you would run away without answering the question.

Play:

Say: Apparently you didn't answer the question. It figures.

Play:

Say: The Bartok is the worst thing to ever be perpetrated on the E-flat soprano clarinet. The Tokyo Kosei musician handled the sustained notes amazingly well.

Play:

Say: Note: no response.

Play:

Say: You're erroneously presupposing that the comparison is restricted to the work?

Play:

Say: I'm sure that no version of Eliza can argue logically.

Play:

Say: Whose tradition? Mozart's Symphony No. 11 is less then 10 minutes long. Now let's compare to Beethoven's Ninth, which has been said to have dictated the length of the original distribution. However, note that Professor Plum's claim is another unsubstantiated and erroneous claim.

Play:

Say: Of what, allegedly?

Play:

Say: No substantiation was provided. Claiming that it's about Barnes' "Fantasy Variations on a Theme by Niccolo Paganini".

Play:

Say: So why did you claim that the source of irritation.

Play:

Say: Why? Playing more net cop?

Play: