Instructions

Alternate sections are marked Say and Play. The Say sections are spoken or sung to an improvised tune in a stentorian and condescending manner, as a traffic court judge lecturing a recidivist speeder. Read as though the text makes perfect sense, even though its grammar and meaning may make sudden, unexpected turns.

The Play sections use an ordinary five-line staff with oval note heads () interspersed with diamond () and cross () note heads. Play in a manner that contrasts with the lecturer's attitude. Be mocking or solicitous or calm or resigned or anything else appropriate.

• I've used bar lines set off groups of notes. Groups should be observed by accent, phrasing, pauses or some other way.
• The cross () indicates some non-standard noise, like a multiphonic or a strum behind the bridge or a dropped drumstick or a cheese-grater arpeggio or something else. Use your imagination.
• The diamond () indicates a note that is one semitone (in either direction) different from the preceding note.
• Rhythm, tempo and dynamics are entirely up to the performer. Since no clef is specified, you can pick that as well.

You can play in concert with other performers, who may play other versions of this piece, or other any other materials, composed or improvised. When playing with others, the Say sections should be performed as disruptively as possible, and the Play sections should be played sensitively, with utmost regard to enhancing the performance of the other players.

Score

Say: Gee, so do I.

Play:

Say: Then apparently you had already done that.

Play:

Say: Which part of my experience?

Play:

Say: "If it sounds good, then it IS good."

Play:

Say: On what basis do you make that claim?

Play:

Say: About John Doe.

Play:

Say: Star Spangled? Stars and Stripes? Anchors Aweigh? Semper Fi?

Play:

Say: Substantiation was not provided below.

Play:

Say: Threats are irrelevant. Hypocrites don't get very far.

Play:

Say: You have music to critique?

Play:

Say: You answered your own behavior.

Play:

Say: Unfortunately for you, you already missed your golden opportunity to NOT DO THAT!

Play:

Say: In the Bartok, the solo violin part is played on the same forces involved, though usually in greater numbers, the most likely difference being saxophones.

Play:

Say: Incorrect, though after the context has been said to have dictated the length of another piece that occupies one fifth of a larger number of times you've played it.

Play:

Say: To judge its quality for themselves. Or do you make that claim? Don't trot out the irony to you, but you still talking about "Bolero"?

Play:

Say: Feel free to explain how your remark was directed at me?

Play:

Say: Incorrect, as I expected.

Play:

Say: Of course, I've already pointed out the irony to you, but you don't want to be pointlessly argumentative?

Play:

Say: Maybe not to you, but you still don't recognize it. Amazing.

Play:

Say: Who might that be?

Play:

Say: It figures that you are.

Play:

Say: On what basis do you make that claim?

Play:

Say: Who is Ed Bates and how is he relevant to the world that you claimed above that Professor Plum's claim is another unsubstantiated and erroneous claim.

Play:

Say: Where did I say it was John Doe at this point.

Play:

Say: Threats are irrelevant. Hypocrites don't get very far.

Play:

Say: Variation? Are you aware of your act and place the blame on the concert band". Apparently you didn't recognize it as a comparison for structure.

Play:

Say: I'd hardly call your pontification "evidence".

Play:

Say: You could use a typewriter. Leroy Anderson did.

Play:

Say: SWTHDTM?

Play:

Say: To judge its quality for themselves. Or do you really expect everyone to simply trust your questionable judgment?

Play: