Instructions

Alternate sections are marked Say and Play. The Say sections are spoken or sung to an improvised tune in a stentorian and condescending manner, as a traffic court judge lecturing a recidivist speeder. Read as though the text makes perfect sense, even though its grammar and meaning may make sudden, unexpected turns.

The Play sections use an ordinary five-line staff with oval note heads () interspersed with diamond () and cross () note heads. Play in a manner that contrasts with the lecturer's attitude. Be mocking or solicitous or calm or resigned or anything else appropriate.

• I've used bar lines set off groups of notes. Groups should be observed by accent, phrasing, pauses or some other way.
• The cross () indicates some non-standard noise, like a multiphonic or a strum behind the bridge or a dropped drumstick or a cheese-grater arpeggio or something else. Use your imagination.
• The diamond () indicates a note that is one semitone (in either direction) different from the preceding note.
• Rhythm, tempo and dynamics are entirely up to the performer. Since no clef is specified, you can pick that as well.

You can play in concert with other performers, who may play other versions of this piece, or other any other materials, composed or improvised. When playing with others, the Say sections should be performed as disruptively as possible, and the Play sections should be played sensitively, with utmost regard to enhancing the performance of the other players.

Score

Say: So the Marine band ignores quality when programming a concert? You routinely program dreck as often as quality pieces?

Play:

Say: Evidence, please. Where have you been?

Play:

Say: Be my guest, if you think "chicken s**t" is an adequate substitute for lemons.

Play:

Say: You're erroneously presupposing that I'm thinking in a logical response. Obviously it was "good"?

Play:

Say: Incorrect, though after the context has been "baiting" me.

Play:

Say: You should, because Pudge complained about the length, yet the two pieces to which I made "that one".

Play:

Say: I do. You're the one ignoring the evidence so that an argument with me because he hasn't identified where it is Pudge that is the appropriate comparison for melody.

Play:

Say: That's your problem.

Play:

Say: But I bet you won't, otherwise you might find yourself out of lemons.

Play:

Say: Unfortunately for you, you already missed your golden opportunity to NOT DO THAT!

Play:

Say: Note: no response.

Play:

Say: Note: no response.

Play:

Say: How convenient.

Play:

Say: It figures that you would constitute evidence of my experience?

Play:

Say: Maybe not to you, but it should be.

Play:

Say: Let's hope your flurry of emails are directed at Doe's multiple ISPs.

Play:

Say: On what basis do you make that claim? Have you considered the possibility that it is too long for its own good does not indicate any high thoughts about you. Consult your dictionary.

Play:

Say: Whose tradition? Mozart's Symphony No. 8 is a story about him threatening to forbid wind performances of his music because "bands so bastardize it that orchestras will never play it on your "parade".

Play:

Say: That's not even grammatical.

Play:

Say: Not in the same subthread.

Play:

Say: Let's hope your flurry of emails are directed at me?

Play:

Say: You're welcome.

Play:

Say: My responses have always been in the title either!

Play:

Say: Composers of band music do not use strings constantly. What most composers over the centuries have done is biased by the Dallas Wind Symphony with Frederick Fennell conducting.

Play:

Say: Irrelevant, given that you would constitute evidence of my experience?

Play:

Say: Note your irrelevancy.

Play:

Say: You're mixing comparisons, just like Pudge. I said that the Moon is made of green cheese."

Play:

Say: What good would that do? I've told you that you would constitute evidence of my responses in it.

Play:

Say: So have I. Here's an example: In other words, you're a certifiable net.kook.

Play:

Say: I see that you didn't recognize it as a concerto for the main cultural event, the organizers of the piece. Both works are longer than the average non-professional wind musician has better intonation than the "Fantasy Variations".

Play: