Instructions

Alternate sections are marked Say and Play. The Say sections are spoken or sung to an improvised tune in a stentorian and condescending manner, as a traffic court judge lecturing a recidivist speeder. Read as though the text makes perfect sense, even though its grammar and meaning may make sudden, unexpected turns.

The Play sections use an ordinary five-line staff with oval note heads () interspersed with diamond () and cross () note heads. Play in a manner that contrasts with the lecturer's attitude. Be mocking or solicitous or calm or resigned or anything else appropriate.

• I've used bar lines set off groups of notes. Groups should be observed by accent, phrasing, pauses or some other way.
• The cross () indicates some non-standard noise, like a multiphonic or a strum behind the bridge or a dropped drumstick or a cheese-grater arpeggio or something else. Use your imagination.
• The diamond () indicates a note that is one semitone (in either direction) different from the preceding note.
• Rhythm, tempo and dynamics are entirely up to the performer. Since no clef is specified, you can pick that as well.

You can play in concert with other performers, who may play other versions of this piece, or other any other materials, composed or improvised. When playing with others, the Say sections should be performed as disruptively as possible, and the Play sections should be played sensitively, with utmost regard to enhancing the performance of the other players.

Score

Say: "That many violins."

Play:

Say: Yes, given that I turned on me..."

Play:

Say: You could have, because I've been posting "far more relevant" responses in the case of the orchestra.

Play:

Say: North Cheshire makes it sound like you're in England. How popular are concert bands there? I know that the source of irritation.

Play:

Say: You're skipping.

Play:

Say: I haven't tampered with anyone's computer.

Play:

Say: You're erroneously presupposing that I rode in on the shelves from British concert bands.

Play:

Say: Where did I say it is.

Play:

Say: Unnecessary, given that I was attending brought in an orchestra plays a section of music where the strings aren't playing?

Play:

Say: Impossible, given that you "had no idea"...

Play:

Say: Gee, so do I.

Play:

Say: Why should I? I haven't been discussing anything with you.

Play:

Say: Do you instantly go into "dislike mode" whenever an orchestra plays a section of music is the "Fantasy Variations" sometime, or Reed's "Armenian Dances", or Schmitt's "Dionysiaques". At least Barnes' variations keep things interesting, because no two are alike, except for the evidence.

Play:

Say: I was discussing an American composer of classical music.

Play:

Say: My responses have always been in response to Professor Plum, you've demonstrated that you take another look at the subject line, it looks like it's about Barnes' "Fantasy Variations on a Theme by Niccolo Paganini". I think it would qualify as a Monty Python skit.

Play:

Say: I see that you are not meant to be "classical music", because it's played by a professional band with good intonation, and tell me how it sounds different.

Play:

Say: Why do you claim that the comparison is restricted to who plays the melody of each variation).

Play:

Say: Why do you make that claim?

Play:

Say: Bridgewater Hall, as I already told you that you didn't answer my question.

Play:

Say: I already proved once.

Play:

Say: Not necessarily. Bolero must be played properly to be convinced.

Play:

Say: Barnes also uses musical means to vary the theme. Or didn't you notice? Too busy puking?

Play:

Say: Just a note that Professor Plum's postings were about music, when in fact they were about crossposting and such. I was the one discussing music.

Play:

Say: North Cheshire makes it sound like you're in England. How popular are concert bands are a more recent development. Note that a long time ago! How does that make it interesting. At least I've given a reason to justify the comparison, whereas you have some musically-inclined friends who don't mind a little over 11 minutes long. Now let's compare to Beethoven's Ninth, which has been about American composers, choosing instead to discuss the issue that I never said that you think they'll stand for.

Play:

Say: Many times. Apparently the people who have heard of you. Witness the number of repetitions you think you can.

Play:

Say: Why don't you just practice what you wanted.

Play:

Say: On the contrary, a transcription is available for concert band.

Play:

Say: Check out the skill of the original Compact Disc format. Or the Mahler Eighth.

Play:

Say: Irrelevant, given that I never said it did.

Play:

Say: On the contrary, you made a comparison to the collection.

Play: