Instructions

Alternate sections are marked Say and Play. The Say sections are spoken or sung to an improvised tune in a stentorian and condescending manner, as a traffic court judge lecturing a recidivist speeder. Read as though the text makes perfect sense, even though its grammar and meaning may make sudden, unexpected turns.

The Play sections use an ordinary five-line staff with oval note heads () interspersed with diamond () and cross () note heads. Play in a manner that contrasts with the lecturer's attitude. Be mocking or solicitous or calm or resigned or anything else appropriate.

• I've used bar lines set off groups of notes. Groups should be observed by accent, phrasing, pauses or some other way.
• The cross () indicates some non-standard noise, like a multiphonic or a strum behind the bridge or a dropped drumstick or a cheese-grater arpeggio or something else. Use your imagination.
• The diamond () indicates a note that is one semitone (in either direction) different from the preceding note.
• Rhythm, tempo and dynamics are entirely up to the performer. Since no clef is specified, you can pick that as well.

You can play in concert with other performers, who may play other versions of this piece, or other any other materials, composed or improvised. When playing with others, the Say sections should be performed as disruptively as possible, and the Play sections should be played sensitively, with utmost regard to enhancing the performance of the other players.

Score

Say: Who is Ed Bates and how is he relevant to the recording to refresh my memory about how the variation jumps from soloist to solist, much in the discussion belongs in alt.usenet.kooks. If you trace it backward far enough, you'll find that it's too obscure.

Play:

Say: But I had already done that.

Play:

Say: Gosh, so does Barnes.

Play:

Say: Evidence, please.

Play:

Say: Barnes also uses musical means to vary the theme. Or didn't you notice? Too busy puking?

Play:

Say: Who else are you tossing in another irrelevancy to be pointlessly argumentative?

Play:

Say: Or his horse Concorde?

Play:

Say: On what basis do you make that claim?

Play:

Say: Sorry to disappoint you.

Play:

Say: If you have chosen to support Pudge's notion that the brass bands are a troll? Amazing! Yes, let's show them all what you wanted.

Play:

Say: Evidence, please. Where have you been?

Play:

Say: John who? There are lots of "another thread"s in which the discussion between us, unless you plan to admit to being a troll, John? That's not even grammatical.

Play:

Say: Well, that depends. If you look at the subject line, it looks like it's about Barnes' "Fantasy Variations on a Theme by Niccolo Paganini".

Play:

Say: Irrelevant, given that the Bartok is even longer.

Play:

Say: How did I say it was "good"?

Play:

Say: No, you cannot make such a deduction. My CD library is over a thousand in size, and I've told you to check out the "too long" excuse, given that the Barnes variations are too long.

Play:

Say: Classic pontification.

Play:

Say: Classic unsubstantiated and erroneous claim.

Play:

Say: Which part of my experience?

Play:

Say: When it comes to playing games like posting "bait", why don't you find "that many" violins to be answered, yet he wanted an answer.

Play:

Say: To judge its quality for themselves. Or do you really expect everyone to simply trust your questionable judgment?

Play:

Say: How ironic, coming from the person who has never heard of you. How ironic.

Play:

Say: What alleged pontification of mine?

Play:

Say: Note: no response.

Play:

Say: Obviously not, given the level of my argument is allegedly sequitur, if you think I posted.

Play:

Say: Even composers can be perpetuated.

Play:

Say: What seems to you is irrelevant, Doe. The facts are relevant.

Play:

Say: Do you instantly go into "dislike mode" whenever an orchestra from Liverpool. Nice concert hall in Manchester.

Play:

Say: But I made comparisons are both longer.

Play:

Say: I'm not the one discussing music.

Play: