Instructions

Alternate sections are marked Say and Play. The Say sections are spoken or sung to an improvised tune in a stentorian and condescending manner, as a traffic court judge lecturing a recidivist speeder. Read as though the text makes perfect sense, even though its grammar and meaning may make sudden, unexpected turns.

The Play sections use an ordinary five-line staff with oval note heads () interspersed with diamond () and cross () note heads. Play in a manner that contrasts with the lecturer's attitude. Be mocking or solicitous or calm or resigned or anything else appropriate.

• I've used bar lines set off groups of notes. Groups should be observed by accent, phrasing, pauses or some other way.
• The cross () indicates some non-standard noise, like a multiphonic or a strum behind the bridge or a dropped drumstick or a cheese-grater arpeggio or something else. Use your imagination.
• The diamond () indicates a note that is one semitone (in either direction) different from the preceding note.
• Rhythm, tempo and dynamics are entirely up to the performer. Since no clef is specified, you can pick that as well.

You can play in concert with other performers, who may play other versions of this piece, or other any other materials, composed or improvised. When playing with others, the Say sections should be performed as disruptively as possible, and the Play sections should be played sensitively, with utmost regard to enhancing the performance of the other players.

Score

Say: John Doe decides that it's too obscure.

Play:

Say: Why is that? I play the piano. However, in this case is John Doe, who crossposted to rec.music.compose. I didn't say it was "good"?

Play:

Say: You're presupposing that it is too long for its own good. Have you considered the possibility that it is too long?

Play:

Say: It figures that you are not a concert band will not necessarily make it so. Witness the number of times you've played it.

Play:

Say: Evidence that you are mistaken, and you turned on you.

Play:

Say: The infection being John Doe writes [to Professor Plum]:

Play:

Say: Be my guest.

Play:

Say: Be my guest, if you saw me quote someone else, which doesn't change the fact that the variations on that theme are passed around from soloist to soloist or section to section or soloist to soloist or section to section. My reference to Graham Chapman.

Play:

Say: That you don't see much on the head lessons.

Play:

Say: Clearly you are a more recent development. Note that a concert band will not necessarily consist of all color.

Play:

Say: Where did he provide any facts? He did say something about irritation, and I assume that the source of irritation is intonation. If that's incorrect, feel free to explain your crossposting?

Play:

Say: You're mixing comparisons. The Bartok was used as a problem. Just how long can a violinist go without some rest?

Play:

Say: Incorrect.

Play:

Say: One suggestion: quit posting "bait".

Play:

Say: Yet another unsubstantiated and erroneous claim.

Play:

Say: What might that be?

Play:

Say: I'm not interested in Doe's kookiness. You seem to think of "parades" or "football game halftime shows" whenever "band" is mentioned in such a deduction. My CD library is over a thousand in size, and I've told you that you are a more recent development. Note that a long time ago! How does that make it so. Witness the number of violinists in an orchestra from Liverpool. Nice concert hall in Manchester.

Play:

Say: Note: no response.

Play:

Say: Ignorance is bliss.

Play:

Say: On the contrary, it's quite relevant.

Play:

Say: What alleged "cards"?

Play:

Say: Rachmaninoff's "Rhapsody" and shorter than Bartok's "Concerto for Orchestra", to which I am unfamiliar.

Play:

Say: Unnecessary, given that I never said it did.

Play:

Say: Do you instantly go into "dislike mode" whenever an orchestra plays a section of music where the strings aren't playing?

Play:

Say: After a fashion.

Play:

Say: Incorrect; my justification is that the Bartok is even longer.

Play:

Say: Threats are irrelevant. Hypocrites don't get very far.

Play:

Say: You're welcome.

Play:

Say: On what basis do you claim that I also mentioned the length must be played properly to be convinced.

Play:

Say: Even composers can be perpetuated.

Play: