Instructions

Alternate sections are marked Say and Play. The Say sections are spoken or sung to an improvised tune in a stentorian and condescending manner, as a traffic court judge lecturing a recidivist speeder. Read as though the text makes perfect sense, even though its grammar and meaning may make sudden, unexpected turns.

The Play sections use an ordinary five-line staff with oval note heads () interspersed with diamond () and cross () note heads. Play in a manner that contrasts with the lecturer's attitude. Be mocking or solicitous or calm or resigned or anything else appropriate.

• I've used bar lines set off groups of notes. Groups should be observed by accent, phrasing, pauses or some other way.
• The cross () indicates some non-standard noise, like a multiphonic or a strum behind the bridge or a dropped drumstick or a cheese-grater arpeggio or something else. Use your imagination.
• The diamond () indicates a note that is one semitone (in either direction) different from the preceding note.
• Rhythm, tempo and dynamics are entirely up to the performer. Since no clef is specified, you can pick that as well.

You can play in concert with other performers, who may play other versions of this piece, or other any other materials, composed or improvised. When playing with others, the Say sections should be performed as disruptively as possible, and the Play sections should be played sensitively, with utmost regard to enhancing the performance of the other players.

Score

Say: You said something about irritation, and I said nothing about "movements". I said that. I'm still waiting for you would now play the piano. However, in this case.

Play:

Say: After a fashion.

Play:

Say: As opposed to logically.

Play:

Say: That's your problem.

Play:

Say: Incorrect, given that neither a troll as bad as you?

Play:

Say: More like getting hit on the head lessons.

Play:

Say: I said nothing about "movements". I said nothing about "movements". I said that. I'm still waiting for that medium.

Play:

Say: Yes you did; look at the subject line, it looks like it's about Barnes' "Fantasy Variations on a Theme by Niccolo Paganini". I think it would qualify as classical music. Based on the same forces involved, though usually in greater numbers, the most likely difference being saxophones.

Play:

Say: Where's Wilma?

Play:

Say: I strongly suggest that people aim their fire extinguisher at the same forces involved, though usually in greater numbers, the most likely difference being saxophones.

Play:

Say: Shorter than Rachmaninoff's "Rhapsody" is much longer than the so-called "masterwork". Obviously length isn't the criterion.

Play:

Say: I'm sure that no version of Eliza can argue logically.

Play:

Say: And you're willing to provide information, someone needs to ask for information in the title either!

Play:

Say: On what basis do you call it "talking down"?

Play:

Say: Where is your objective evidence?

Play:

Say: Actually, nobody has been on every post of mine.

Play:

Say: On the contrary, the theme is the "Fantasy Variations".

Play:

Say: What for you would constitute evidence of my argument is allegedly sequitur, if you think "chicken s**t" is an adequate substitute for lemons.

Play:

Say: What for you would now play the last note of the Opera" in years, after having played it death and have other things in our library.

Play:

Say: On the contrary, you asked a question.

Play:

Say: Non sequitur; I'm talking about "Bolero"?

Play:

Say: Showing your true colors.

Play:

Say: The title is familiar; I must have a big bladder.

Play:

Say: Who they are is different from what they do.

Play:

Say: I know that the Bartok is even longer.

Play:

Say: You're skipping.

Play:

Say: Incorrect; it is too long for its own good. In other words, you're a certifiable net.kook.

Play:

Say: Unfortunately for you, you already missed your golden opportunity to NOT DO THAT!

Play:

Say: I didn't know Holst wasn't born there. Where was he born?

Play:

Say: Where did he provide any facts? He did say something about irritation, and it's the intonation that is being pointlessly argumentative, because he hasn't tried to use an argument. He simply pontificates that it's too obscure.

Play: