Instructions

Alternate sections are marked Say and Play. The Say sections are spoken or sung to an improvised tune in a stentorian and condescending manner, as a traffic court judge lecturing a recidivist speeder. Read as though the text makes perfect sense, even though its grammar and meaning may make sudden, unexpected turns.

The Play sections use an ordinary five-line staff with oval note heads () interspersed with diamond () and cross () note heads. Play in a manner that contrasts with the lecturer's attitude. Be mocking or solicitous or calm or resigned or anything else appropriate.

• I've used bar lines set off groups of notes. Groups should be observed by accent, phrasing, pauses or some other way.
• The cross () indicates some non-standard noise, like a multiphonic or a strum behind the bridge or a dropped drumstick or a cheese-grater arpeggio or something else. Use your imagination.
• The diamond () indicates a note that is one semitone (in either direction) different from the preceding note.
• Rhythm, tempo and dynamics are entirely up to the performer. Since no clef is specified, you can pick that as well.

You can play in concert with other performers, who may play other versions of this piece, or other any other materials, composed or improvised. When playing with others, the Say sections should be performed as disruptively as possible, and the Play sections should be played sensitively, with utmost regard to enhancing the performance of the other players.

Score

Say: Never say never.

Play:

Say: I'm not the one discussing American composers. It was Jim Smith's question, and he answered it himself.

Play:

Say: Unfortunately for you, you already missed your golden opportunity. You flubbed it.

Play:

Say: Incorrect, as I expected.

Play:

Say: Shorter than Rachmaninoff's "Rhapsody" and shorter than the "Fantasy Variations"?

Play:

Say: Balderdash. You're forgetting that I already proved once.

Play:

Say: John Doe decides that it's too obscure.

Play:

Say: In case it makes a difference, both Sparke and Hart were born in England.

Play:

Say: There's at least some of the piece. Both works are longer than the one you heard?

Play:

Say: Where's Pudge when you say "we" don't mention a name?

Play:

Say: Okay, Professor Plum, you've demonstrated that you would constitute evidence of my experience?

Play:

Say: You must have a problem with where Doe's discussion belongs, take it up with him, not me.

Play:

Say: No, you cannot make such a deduction. My CD library is over a thousand in size, and I've told you that you regard this as a concerto for orchestra.

Play:

Say: No, they were able to articulate their opinions, unlike you.

Play:

Say: Doe hasn't tried.

Play:

Say: Evidence, please.

Play:

Say: "Your" thread?

Play:

Say: Composers of band music do not share your dislike for it.

Play:

Say: The question is still illogical.

Play:

Say: The "Fantasy Variation" don't either.

Play:

Say: Well, many of the Blast! performance in London. Yet another unsubstantiated claim.

Play:

Say: So, you're not in a logical fashion.

Play:

Say: That's your problem.

Play:

Say: Of course, I already told you to do nothing but make personal attacks. I've been posting here since a few years ago.

Play:

Say: Why is that? I play the piano. However, in this newsgroup is appropriate.

Play:

Say: Where is this alleged refusal? To refuse to provide information, someone needs to ask for information in the case of the Blast! performance in London. Yet another unsubstantiated claim.

Play:

Say: Therefore I could not have "pissed" on your acoustic piano?

Play:

Say: What for you would constitute evidence of where I said that. I'm still waiting for you to do with what you're talking about.

Play:

Say: The theme of Niccolo Paganini represents the "same materials" in this newsgroup and the Wolf" about seven years ago. I'll have to gauge the number of times you've played it.

Play:

Say: I'm not the one posting the invective.

Play: