Instructions

Alternate sections are marked Say and Play. The Say sections are spoken or sung to an improvised tune in a stentorian and condescending manner, as a traffic court judge lecturing a recidivist speeder. Read as though the text makes perfect sense, even though its grammar and meaning may make sudden, unexpected turns.

The Play sections use an ordinary five-line staff with oval note heads () interspersed with diamond () and cross () note heads. Play in a manner that contrasts with the lecturer's attitude. Be mocking or solicitous or calm or resigned or anything else appropriate.

• I've used bar lines set off groups of notes. Groups should be observed by accent, phrasing, pauses or some other way.
• The cross () indicates some non-standard noise, like a multiphonic or a strum behind the bridge or a dropped drumstick or a cheese-grater arpeggio or something else. Use your imagination.
• The diamond () indicates a note that is one semitone (in either direction) different from the preceding note.
• Rhythm, tempo and dynamics are entirely up to the performer. Since no clef is specified, you can pick that as well.

You can play in concert with other performers, who may play other versions of this piece, or other any other materials, composed or improvised. When playing with others, the Say sections should be performed as disruptively as possible, and the Play sections should be played sensitively, with utmost regard to enhancing the performance of the other players.

Score

Say: Why should I? I haven't tampered with anyone's computer.

Play:

Say: Evidence, please. Where have I allegedly not supported? You recently accused me of calling the "Fantasy Variations" sometime, or Reed's "Armenian Dances", or Schmitt's "Dionysiaques". At least Barnes' variations keep things interesting, because no two are alike, except for the "Rhapsody" (note that the music schools here are turning out performers who are technically first-rate, but have no concept of a pontification doesn't make it interesting. At least I've given a reason to justify the title.

Play:

Say: Not when it doesn't identify the alleged non sequitors [sic] that you are.

Play:

Say: Irrelevant, given that I was replying was crossposted to rec.music.compose, including yourself.

Play:

Say: Bingo, though they might prefer the term does not indicate any high thoughts about you. Consult your dictionary.

Play:

Say: What good would that do? I've told you that you are a troll? Amazing! Yes, let's show them all what you mean. Some of the ocean?" "A good start."

Play:

Say: Shorter than Rachmaninoff's "Rhapsody" is much longer than the "Fantasy Variations" "good", and I said each "concerto" features a different section.

Play:

Say: Does it matter, or are you tossing in another irrelevancy to be here.

Play:

Say: Let's hope your flurry of emails are directed at Doe's multiple ISPs.

Play:

Say: You're erroneously presupposing that the piece was "drivel", but that's hardly a fact.

Play:

Say: To judge its quality for themselves. Or do you make that claim?

Play:

Say: Just wanted to make sure. There are many places in New England that copy names from England.

Play:

Say: Actually, relatively few pieces have an E-flat clarinet part.

Play:

Say: You should, because Pudge complained about the genre.

Play:

Say: I compared the *structure* to the latter, as the object of the time.

Play:

Say: I haven't suggested that everyone here listen.

Play:

Say: I'm still waiting for that medium.

Play:

Say: I see that you are not meant to be "masterworks".)

Play:

Say: Where did I say it was John Doe writes [to Professor Plum]:

Play:

Say: Irrelevant, given that I didn't know Holst wasn't born there. Where was he born?

Play:

Say: To find a troll nor a spammer is involved in the title either!

Play:

Say: If you have a problem with where Doe's discussion belongs, take it up with him, not me.

Play:

Say: So, what is irritating about it? The harmonic structure?

Play:

Say: Irrelevant, given that the piece didn't have "Variations" in the title either!

Play:

Say: The question is still illogical.

Play:

Say: Who is Ed Bates and how is he relevant to this newsgroup?

Play:

Say: Note: no response.

Play:

Say: Star Spangled? Stars and Stripes? Anchors Aweigh? Semper Fi?

Play:

Say: I suggest that people aim their fire extinguisher at the same presupposition.

Play:

Say: Yes.

Play: