Instructions

Alternate sections are marked Say and Play. The Say sections are spoken or sung to an improvised tune in a stentorian and condescending manner, as a traffic court judge lecturing a recidivist speeder. Read as though the text makes perfect sense, even though its grammar and meaning may make sudden, unexpected turns.

The Play sections use an ordinary five-line staff with oval note heads () interspersed with diamond () and cross () note heads. Play in a manner that contrasts with the lecturer's attitude. Be mocking or solicitous or calm or resigned or anything else appropriate.

• I've used bar lines set off groups of notes. Groups should be observed by accent, phrasing, pauses or some other way.
• The cross () indicates some non-standard noise, like a multiphonic or a strum behind the bridge or a dropped drumstick or a cheese-grater arpeggio or something else. Use your imagination.
• The diamond () indicates a note that is one semitone (in either direction) different from the preceding note.
• Rhythm, tempo and dynamics are entirely up to the performer. Since no clef is specified, you can pick that as well.

You can play in concert with other performers, who may play other versions of this piece, or other any other materials, composed or improvised. When playing with others, the Say sections should be performed as disruptively as possible, and the Play sections should be played sensitively, with utmost regard to enhancing the performance of the other players.

Score

Say: Note: no response.

Play:

Say: Multiple.

Play:

Say: Barnes also uses musical means to vary the theme. Or didn't you notice? Too busy puking?

Play:

Say: You're erroneously presupposing the existence of a "mood play".

Play:

Say: Glad you agree.

Play:

Say: Figures.

Play:

Say: That's your problem.

Play:

Say: Illogical.

Play:

Say: Note: no response.

Play:

Say: Jazz is not "repeated ad nauseum". The theme of Niccolo Paganini represents the "same materials" in this discussion because that's dealing with something that "decent people" do.

Play:

Say: Note: no response.

Play:

Say: Also irrelevant.

Play:

Say: Illogical; we haven't performed the Warren Barker arrangement of "Phantom of the Opera" in years, after having played it to death. Does that mean the powers that be do not share your dislike for it.

Play:

Say: Where did he provide any facts? He did say something about irritation, and I assume that the piece "drivel" or "the worst thing to ever be perpetrated on the same kind of horse as Jim.

Play:

Say: Incorrect; the news reader had them sorted for me chrologically already, but I didn't choose the original Compact Disc format. Or the Mahler Eighth.

Play:

Say: I'm still waiting for that medium.

Play:

Say: On what basis do you call it "unwise"?

Play:

Say: Threats are irrelevant. Hypocrites don't get very far.

Play:

Say: You're mixing comparisons. The Bartok was restricted to the Bartok. You left out that key component. No other comparison was intended. Don't put words into my mouth.

Play:

Say: On what basis do you make that claim? Don't trot out the irony to you, but you still don't recognize it. Amazing.

Play:

Say: I'm not the fault of the Opera" in years, after having played it death and have other things in our library.

Play:

Say: That's not the one you heard?

Play:

Say: Yet another unsubstantiated claim.

Play:

Say: Evidence, please. Where have you been?

Play:

Say: Non sequitur.

Play:

Say: Therefore I could not have "pissed" on your acoustic piano?

Play:

Say: What you think you can.

Play:

Say: That's a single instrument, not an orchestra. A single solo would be sufficient to justify the comparison, whereas you have chosen to support just one side of the ocean?" "A good start."

Play:

Say: The title is familiar; I must have performed it, but too many years ago.

Play:

Say: On what basis do you get two violists to play that piece and make it so. That you don't realize how your remark was directed at me?

Play: