Instructions

Alternate sections are marked Say and Play. The Say sections are spoken or sung to an improvised tune in a stentorian and condescending manner, as a traffic court judge lecturing a recidivist speeder. Read as though the text makes perfect sense, even though its grammar and meaning may make sudden, unexpected turns.

The Play sections use an ordinary five-line staff with oval note heads () interspersed with diamond () and cross () note heads. Play in a manner that contrasts with the lecturer's attitude. Be mocking or solicitous or calm or resigned or anything else appropriate.

• I've used bar lines set off groups of notes. Groups should be observed by accent, phrasing, pauses or some other way.
• The cross () indicates some non-standard noise, like a multiphonic or a strum behind the bridge or a dropped drumstick or a cheese-grater arpeggio or something else. Use your imagination.
• The diamond () indicates a note that is one semitone (in either direction) different from the preceding note.
• Rhythm, tempo and dynamics are entirely up to the performer. Since no clef is specified, you can pick that as well.

You can play in concert with other performers, who may play other versions of this piece, or other any other materials, composed or improvised. When playing with others, the Say sections should be performed as disruptively as possible, and the Play sections should be played sensitively, with utmost regard to enhancing the performance of the other players.

Score

Say: Witness the number of times you've played it.

Play:

Say: If the previous material was irrelevant, then why did you bother to both write it and post it?

Play:

Say: I see that you claimed above that Professor Plum's postings were about crossposting and such.

Play:

Say: Classic unsubstantiated and erroneous claim.

Play:

Say: Impossible, given that the brass bands are extremely popular and fairly well represented in American record stores, but you don't have a big bladder.

Play:

Say: Yes.

Play:

Say: And it appears that the comparison is restricted to who plays the melody of each variation).

Play:

Say: How ironic, coming from the person who made a further posting to which I was discussing involving American composers, choosing instead to discuss the issue that Doe was discussing. It shows that YOU are determined to turn a page. Also note that Professor Plum's claim is another unsubstantiated and erroneous claim.

Play:

Say: It was to my posting that your remark was directed at Doe's multiple ISPs.

Play:

Say: Illogical, as antagonists like Doe don't want me to respond. You got what you consider to be "classical music", but also that others aren't aware of your act and place the blame on the same theme, or on the same subthread as that someone else's message.

Play:

Say: Why?

Play:

Say: Incorrect, as I already proved once.

Play:

Say: You've had plenty of time to post bait, Doe.

Play:

Say: Yes, given that I've pointed to Bartok, Rachmaninoff, Pudge, Professor Plum, you've demonstrated that you would constitute evidence of my experience?

Play:

Say: May I recommend some of Alfred Reed's works, such as the former is irrelevant here.)

Play:

Say: Where did he provide any facts? He did say something about irritation, and it's the intonation that is being pointlessly argumentative, because he hasn't identified where it is the "Fantasy Variations".

Play:

Say: Witness the thread titled "Professor Plum Gets Snippy!"

Play:

Say: But you don't realize how your statement applies to yourself is interesting, if not amusing.

Play:

Say: Irrelevant, given that you don't want to be perpetrated on the E-flat soprano clarinet. The Tokyo Kosei musician handled the sustained notes amazingly well.

Play:

Say: Balderdash. You're forgetting that I never said he did.

Play:

Say: Yet another pontification that it is too long?

Play:

Say: But your guess was a good one.

Play:

Say: Obviously not, given the level of my experience?

Play:

Say: Witness the number of violinists in an orchestra. It's logical to assume that the Bartok is even longer.

Play:

Say: I was the one who brought up irritation.

Play:

Say: In case it makes a difference, both Sparke and Hart were born in England.

Play:

Say: I didn't write that.

Play:

Say: Incorrect, given that the comparison is restricted to who plays the melody of each variation).

Play:

Say: Illogical.

Play:

Say: Obviously not, given the newsgroup is appropriate.

Play: