Instructions

Alternate sections are marked Say and Play. The Say sections are spoken or sung to an improvised tune in a stentorian and condescending manner, as a traffic court judge lecturing a recidivist speeder. Read as though the text makes perfect sense, even though its grammar and meaning may make sudden, unexpected turns.

The Play sections use an ordinary five-line staff with oval note heads () interspersed with diamond () and cross () note heads. Play in a manner that contrasts with the lecturer's attitude. Be mocking or solicitous or calm or resigned or anything else appropriate.

• I've used bar lines set off groups of notes. Groups should be observed by accent, phrasing, pauses or some other way.
• The cross () indicates some non-standard noise, like a multiphonic or a strum behind the bridge or a dropped drumstick or a cheese-grater arpeggio or something else. Use your imagination.
• The diamond () indicates a note that is one semitone (in either direction) different from the preceding note.
• Rhythm, tempo and dynamics are entirely up to the performer. Since no clef is specified, you can pick that as well.

You can play in concert with other performers, who may play other versions of this piece, or other any other materials, composed or improvised. When playing with others, the Say sections should be performed as disruptively as possible, and the Play sections should be played sensitively, with utmost regard to enhancing the performance of the other players.

Score

Say: "If it sounds good, then it IS good."

Play:

Say: Irrelevant, given that the source of irritation is intonation. If that's incorrect, feel free to explain how your remark was directed at Doe's multiple ISPs.

Play:

Say: Once again, you're mixing comparisons.

Play:

Say: On the contrary, a transcription is available for concert bands. Professional groups of either kind shouldn't sound irritating, though I'm sure that some do at least one. Wouldn't be surprised if there were others. Some transcribers will do a watered-down version for younger musicians.

Play:

Say: Non sequitur.

Play:

Say: Both irrelevant and incorrect, given that you claimed above that Professor Plum's postings were about music, when in fact they were about music, when in fact they were about crossposting and such. I was replying was crossposted to rec.music.compose. I didn't answer my question.

Play:

Say: Yet another pontification that it is too long?

Play:

Say: You were ambiguous there: which is not classical music.

Play:

Say: Why should I?

Play:

Say: Now isn't that ironic. Doe posts bait, and then wants to lay the blame on the concert band". Apparently you have a problem with what you're talking about.

Play:

Say: You're skipping.

Play:

Say: Monty Python, anyone?

Play:

Say: Balderdash. You're forgetting that I didn't say it was more than just a little over 11 minutes long. Now let's compare to Beethoven's Ninth, which has been that the piece "drivel" or "the worst thing to ever be perpetrated on the E-flat soprano clarinet. The Tokyo Kosei musician handled the sustained notes amazingly well.

Play:

Say: But your guess was a good one.

Play:

Say: Never say never.

Play:

Say: On what basis do you really expect everyone to simply trust your questionable judgment?

Play:

Say: In the definition.

Play:

Say: Evidence, please. Where have I allegedly not supported? You recently accused me of calling the "Fantasy Variations".

Play:

Say: What appears to you is irrelevant, Doe. The facts are relevant.

Play:

Say: There is a Darmstadt groupie a simile of Monty Python?

Play:

Say: You're skipping.

Play:

Say: How so, given that you "had no idea"...

Play:

Say: I am.

Play:

Say: So have I. Here's an example: In other words, you're a certifiable net.kook.

Play:

Say: Rachmaninoff's "Rhapsody" is much longer than the average non-professional wind musician has better intonation than the average non-professional string musician, which leads to non-professional orchestras sounding more irritating than non-professional concert bands. It was Doe, and now you, that have nothing to support Pudge's notion that the comparison to the world that you didn't recognize it as a concerto for orchestra.

Play:

Say: Yes, and when we encounter dreck, we put it away.

Play:

Say: I invite you to check out the irony to you, but you still talking about "Bolero"?

Play:

Say: One suggestion: quit posting "bait".

Play:

Say: Famous last words.

Play:

Say: "Your" thread?

Play: